What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 14:12
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Who are the IT boys of the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th generation in K-pop?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Would this be the day?
Comes on , in middle age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She found it foreign!.
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One cannot live in the past .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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I will be 64.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it wasn’t much.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When a narcissist mad at their new supply, do they take it out on the old supply?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was seconnd youngest,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She wouldn,t have been !
We were not on the streets..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I waited trembling.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
When she asked me how she looked .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I think the readers, may guess!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So whats the point in blame.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
This is soul school!.
I write beautiful poetry .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I don,t even have a pension.
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I couldn’t, believe it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We all went to grammer schools
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Put me off passion for life!!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She loved him until the end.
He knew the spot.
I have no regrets .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
My family never makes their pension either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Ive learnt so much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So, i spoilt her more .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And i lived it daily.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My life is so biszare .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .